Why would you do that?

K, so you're probably wondering, or laughing, or crying, but probably still
wondering: why would I reveal the ending to the new Harry Potter book?
It's quite simple: I did it for you. Reading Harry Potter promotes
childhood obesity. It promotes eyestrain. You could get a paper cut or
drop the book on your toe, develop a blister that gets infected, and die

Now admittedly, I have never read a Harry Potter book. But like my critics,I'll be damned if my complete lack of knowledge on a subject will stop me from commenting on it.

Harry Potter promotes racism. Not only are there no African Americans at
Hogwarts, there are no American Americans! Who wants to read a book that
doesn't have Americans in it? That's like having a war without Americans in it. The book promises no hot girl on girl action. Yes, there are pictures,which is important in a book. But there are no pictures of the
aforementioned hot girl on girl action so really, what is the point? And
witchcraft isn't something you learn in school. School is a place to sleep, and buy drugs. Witchcraft is only taught naked in the woods with plenty of booze and animal sacrifices. Or is that Scrabble? Maybe that was Stacey Goldberg's Bat Mitzvah. To be honest my childhood is a bit of a blur once I started chasing my Ritalin with Jack and Cokes.

Thereare other more serious consequences to reading Harry Potter. Just
imagine this scenario.
You: I just finished reading, "The Half Blood Prince". When Dumbledore got
killed, I cried.

Random Muscle-bound Idiot: You cried when you read, "The Half Blood
Prince"? I'm going to beat you into a bloody pulp with this claw hammer.

You: (Trembling) "Petrificus Totalus!"

Since you can't actually cast spells, you get the snot beaten out of you.
But thanks to us, there is an entirely new scenario:

You: I just finished reading the Worlds Fattest Anorexic's blog. When I read thepart where they reveal that Dumbledore gets killed, I cried.

Random Muscle-bound Idiot: You read the Worlds Fattest Anorexic's blog? You are so awesome. Do you want to come to my house and watch me do my sister?

You: Yes. Yes I do.

But the worst possible scenario after reading a Harry Potter book is that
you might actually develop a love of reading. Pretty soon you'd be reading
other books, maybe even a newspaper? You would start to become educated,
and informed. You would begin to think for yourself and form your own
opinions. We can't have that. Go play Grand Theft Auto. So in closing, there's no need to thank me. I'm here to help.


[Write Me, Hate Me, Bite Me]